No Stupid Wife: Reclaiming Self After Betrayal

Dear Beloved:

You said you have felt so alone and manipulated in your marriage, and have struggled to find your voice for so long. But the other night, you told your husband that you were “no stupid wife”. If only you could have seen yourself, you would have sensed the confidence of someone who knew what she needed, and was not afraid to speak the truth.

It is especially astonishing for you coming from a culture that often mutes the voice of betrayed partners by denying, minimizing, or justifying problematic sexual behaviors for men. You have not had any support within your family or community before joining the group because you said nobody would have believed you. Years of silence, suppression, loneliness have made you lose faith in yourself, God, and life itself. If it weren’t for your children, you wondered what you would have done. You were living, but not alive.

Yet, sitting among sisters who understood your journey, you looked empowered. Despite your husband’s attempts to keep you at home, you told him you had to go to group. You knew you needed to feel safe and validated as a betrayed partner, where you are listened to without judgment or fear of being ostracized. You knew learning about sexual addiction and betrayal trauma would help make sense of the madness you have experienced. You knew that you were worthy of care, compassion, and support, even if it couldn’t come from him.

So, in saying that “I’m not your stupid wife anymore”, you were actually reclaiming your beautiful self back. The truth is that you were never stupid; you were deceived. You didn’t know about the secret basement as described by Dr. Omar Minwalla in The Secret Sexual Basement White Paper. You thought you were not good enough or sexy enough as a wife. You had no idea that his lying, gaslighting, and blaming were about his deceptive sexual acting out.

Now that your eyes are opened to the truth, you will not turn away from it. You were betrayed over and over, but you will not betray yourself again. Even if your husband does not want recovery for himself, you will continue to choose your own healing.

I’m sure you saw the room lit up when you shared. Your sisters, the wounded warriors bearing witness to your growth were all cheering you on. Someone even suggested yard signs that said, “No stupid wife lives here”.

What a moment to remember!

Celebrating your growth,

Coach C.