In The Aftermath

Dear beloved one,

I saw you sitting in the corner, afraid to be seen. Your eyes were puffed up from so much crying. You had a blank stare, as if you were simply a ghost inside a frozen body.

Oh dear beloved one, it breaks my heart to listen to your story. Years of secret sin, gaslighting, manipulation and betrayal from the one you’ve committed your life to has swallowed you alive like a tsunami. You didn’t see it coming, you could never have imagined it happening. Yet, here you are, shattered into a million pieces. Literally, you seem so paralized from within, your body sucked alive of its bloodstream.

“How could this be?” You asked me, “What do I do now?” “Is this a nightmare or is this my new reality?” Oh dear beloved one, it makes sense that you feel so completely shell shocked, confused, and devastated. This is not meant to be!!! You didn’t cause his addiction, you couldn’t have controlled it (still can’t), and it is not your job to fix it for him.

Yes, it feels like you were ran over again and again by a semi truck, crushed to your bones, barely breathing. But what’s most haunting is when you found out that your husband was the one driving it. He said he didn’t mean it, but still it ruined your life and that of your family. When something so distressing comes at you and wounds you so deeply, it is traumatic. In order to help you survive, your brain has to numb out or shut down your body (freeze). You may also feel so much anxiety and rage (fight), or want to run way and hide in isolation (flight). Some women even try harder to please their husbands (hypersexual) in an effort to stop them from acting out (fawn). Your brain might replay scene after scene of the unspeakable horror at the discovery. You can’t eat or sleep, focused, or remember what you are supposed to do next. You want to stay in bed, but even there you can’t seem to rest. If it weren’t for your children, you would have chosen to be dead.

Oh dear one, please take a few deep breaths with me. Slowly, let’s inhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This may feel so insignificant, but when you fill your lungs mindfully with fresh air, you are actually inviting calm and safety into your brain, letting your body know that you are safe in this moment. With your deep exhale, you are also releasing any tension and pent-up stress within your being. Take one breath at a time and notice if your shoulders feel a little more relaxed, your chest less tight, your mind not spinning as crazily.

Betrayal trauma is one of the most crushing experiences for any human being. Many believe that it is the most intimate form of deception and relational wounding. Of course you feel so overwhelmed and disoriented. But here you are, still reading this. And you know what? You are not alone. I see you. You are safe here.

It may seem like you are drowning in the ocean of endless pain and hopelessness, but please know that healing is possible, even as you begin with a few deep breaths. I am here to walk alongside you as you navigate this treacherous journey to find safety and stability again.

You are worthy of care, beloved one.

With you,

Coach C.